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Opposable Thumbs

Today I learned a lesson, a lesson that made me appreciate evolution and the course it has takes over the last couple of million years. I learned that opposable thumbs not only make you cool, but without them it would really tough to get by.

I first realized this in the gym as I was about to take a shower. They had just replaced the faucet in the shower and it was designed in such a way that you turned the knob with your hand to start the flow of water, and then used your opposable thumb to adjust the water temperature. I was so excited by my new discovery that I jumped out of the shower, threw my clothes on, and ran to the nearest person I could find. This person was the girl that works in the gym, I ran up to her and exclaimed, "I used my opposable thumb in the shower!"

She looked at me, put her opposable thumb in the air and replied, "real cool buddy." That was when I realized that other people already know how cool opposable thumbs are, and that maybe there was a brotherhood of enlightened opposable thumb users out there with whom I would now be accepted. I took my newfound discovery to the street, giving people the test: I stuck my opposable thumb up at them. Most people just stared oddly, began walking faster or turned away. But some people gave me the opposable thumb back! I knew that the chosen few would understand and return the greeting. In fact there were much less people than I had imagined, thus making the brother/sisterhood of the opposable thumb more prestigious and dignified.

You may be wondering why I am documenting this discovery since by alerting the masses I would downplay the brother/sisterhood, and make the opposable thumb epiphany public knowledge. The reason I am doing this is because of the sad workings inside this cult like group of people, inherently it seems most of these people know that they are part of a secret society, and use it against others in their daily lives.

As I was walking down the street sticking my thumb out at people, I noticed a woman hitting a man over the head with her purse. I took a long sad look at the woman's hand in which the purse was swinging, her opposable thumb held it firmly in place. I walked on, as I did I saw someone throwing garbage onto the street, the garbage was thrown using the opposable thumb. Then small aliens came down to the earth, they only wanted peace but some guy used the Vulcan neck pinch to kill them all, a technique that would not be possible without an opposable thumb.

So as you can see, opposable thumbs can be really great, and opposable thumbs can do a lot of bad things. One thing we must all keep in mind is that our opposable thumbs hold a lot of power, power that must be used for the good, not the detriment of humanity. And though it can be fun to be in a secret society, people that take them too seriously are really quite lame- especially the ones that hang out in tombs all day.

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